Digital Metronome

by SoulRider.222

Question by bwandls: Review the begining of my short story, The Grey?
It’s for school. We made collages, with no prerequisites, and then had to switch with someone, and make a story out of there collage, randomly. So…this is what I got so far. I’m only 15, so it ain’t no Tolstoy, remember. Comment, please. The morals going to be, “It’s never only black and white; look for the grey.”

The Grey

He sat in the stuffy, 8 x 8 cubicle, typing away at the bulky, awkward piece of machinery that looked like it came out of a 1970’s remake of Tron. The cheap Target neon-green clock that his boss won at a bowling tournament in Cleveland (that sonofabitch. Robbed me of my Christmas bonus – said it was because of cutbacks, BULLSHIT it was because that sonofagoddambitch didn’t give a shit about my hard work) ticked away in the background, working like a metronome on Finn’s mind, blending with the depressing sound of the keyboard beneath his fingers. Twenty minutes till time out. Twenty long minutes.
Cathy, the new klutz of a receptionist walked buy, her arms overflowing with dozens of files as she left Don’s (goddamthatsonofabitch) office. Finn chuckled under his breath. (She won’t last a week.) Not that he cared. He finished entering the data, signed off, grabbed the muted russet Armani trench and headed out. Mark waved goodbye; he didn’t wave back.

He hopped in the rusted silver Lexus LF-Xh Hybrid SUV, catching his coat as he slammed the door shut in a rush; it was starting to rain. “Dammit…” He muttered. He drove on the interstate until he reached the offramp and drove until he reached Seedy Oaks Apartment Unit parking lot. He clunked up the old, flood-stained stairs because the elevators where still out of service (they ever gonna get fixed, I don’t pay 500$ a month for this shit) lugging his black briefcase, it’s gold-engraved S.D. shining compared to Finn’s disposition. He tried seven before he found the right key to apartment 207; Welcome Home, Finn.

Best answer:

Answer by David
I’m sorry to say that it didn’t make me want to read more

The very first sentence was dull he sat in a 8×8 room
I like that you’ve added detail but there’s a bit of detail thats really not needed at points.
such as he drove to the interstate
unless the interstate has meaning who cares which way he went home?
(* perhaps you can leave out these parts *)

Also i dislike the fact that you’ve thrown in him cursing at the start over every other thing.
If you wanted to tell the story that he’s angry, you can do it in more other ways that cursing.
“Such as he banged the coffee cup hard against the table”
“He snapped open the desk draw and screwed up the peices of paper”

Please don’t stop writting, just take my comment as constructive critism.

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